It's my fault.....

For anyone who notice me for not updating any art is because;

1- Artblock

2- I got depressed

*Warning bad-english*

Well It's not this depression of school or family ;w; and it's not depression of dead pets,,, it's a depression of being reject and doing mistakes to your loved one (my rabbits)

//skip this if you want since I'm just expressing my feelings with the quick doodle.

Originally, I have 1 rabbit called Alice. She's the most beautiful rabbit I've ever met. She's so fluffy and cute. I brought her when she's 1 year old. We're not really rich to own a huge cage or anything so I put her in a box. Day by day I upgraded her home to a dog's carrying box (IDK what it called) And soon she got a roomate and I called him Cocoa. They didn't get along that much. But soon after that, Cocoa passed away because of food poisoning. 

Some days letter I sent Alice to my grandma's house and there's a lot of rabbit there and soon, Alice give birth to 4 beautiful rabbit. (They don't officially given any name but I always call them 'rabbit'. "*v* But name does not matter. What's matter is the love towards them) Not long after birth, 1 of them died. Alice didn't really good in being mother. She didn't know how to feed her babies and always stomp on them (so I have to separate them sometimes) it died because of being stomp by it's mother. 

Some years later, Alice's 4 years old ( 5 this year ) and her daughters 2 years old )another rabbit passed away. It was because of food poisoning given by my neighbour. (F*** them) I felt really sad because she's one of my favourite rabbit and the one that I always took care of. She really looks like her mother. The moment when I was carrying her body while it was raining heavily was really sad and depressing.

One night, my sis heard a barking sound. It was the wild dog who broke in the cage and another Alice's daughter passed away. She was dragged away from the cage. I went and search for her body for the next day but the only thing I found was her left leg only little of it. It must be hurt and suffering. Looking at the cage makes me sad. Looking at the family which falling apart. I was really sad because I was always double standard between her and the other. I Always locked her in instead of letting her out like the other (Because she always run away)

I swore to take care of these two but this year, Alice was 5 and her one and only left daughter was 3. January is the busiest month for me. I enter some competition representing my school and I really don't have any time to look after my rabbit. Usually, my dad is the one who look after but he was busy with his work at that time. When I went back from school, my mom told me that Alice's daughter's eyes was injured. Her eyes was like almost fall apart. (IDK how to explain.) It was scary and I need a lot of courage to look to her face. It was Saturday and the vet was closed so me and my dad wanted to send her to vet on Monday but on Monday, I have a game competition. I couldn't back off the game since I'm representing my school and my team really needs me. So we postponed  the date to Tuesday. It's Sunday and she recover a bit but looked depressed. I felt really worry of her and I was crying the whole night. On Monday, I took of to my school. I have some vision about my rabbit but I ignore it. ( I was unconscious. Before this on my previous rabbit's death I also got some vision but unable to realize it ). And when I'm back from the school, I wanted to happily tell my mother about my game's score but it was when my mom told me that Alice's daughter passed away. I was so sad and it was not the time to celebrate anything. I went home and looked at her body. She was froze like the other. I carried her body and kissed her. I felt really sad and depressed. The one and only Alice daughter's left and it's gone. I couldn't protect her last daughter 

In depression, I let Alice out and play. Meanwhile for me, I took the hoe and dig the grave. It was the first time I dig a grave. (Before this, my dad's the one who did it. ) It was so sad. The moment when I was digging the grave for her. While Alice's right beside of me couldn't understand anything. 

Some day passed, I was busy with school again. My dad looked after the last rabbit. Every evening, I would spend my time with Alice. Looking at the cage that once full with cute siblings and loving mother and now it's like empty. Some day later, I notice something changing on Alice. She looked depressed altho I always make her play outside. When I opened the cage, she won't go out until I went some step away. She didn't eat the food that I gave. She ran away and hide from me. And for the first time, she act aggressively to me. She scratch my hand and bite my hand. 

And I just realize, she was angry to me. She reject me. She saw me burying her daughter. She didn't want to play with me and ignore me. I can see her watery eyes. She was depressed almost every day. Looking at her was so sad. She was depressed and so do I. It was my fault. I prayed to god so that she can understand me. I don't know how to face her anymore. All I want is to Alice be happy. And I don't want to hurt her. I'm afraid if she might get sick due to her depression.

None of the household understand how I feel altho All of them love her. It's because they're the only place where I can share my sad feelings everytime I got depressed.